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Oh, hey!

Have you ever ignored a feeling?

Of course you have, you are human.
We ignore feelings every day. Whether it be your conscience telling you that you are making a stupid choice, your gut feeling telling you something, or your stomach telling you to stop being a cow. You have ignored a feeling.

I ignored a feeling for a very long time. To be more accurate, I ignored a thought that came along with a feeling.

The thought?

You should be a counselor.

Hell no. I told that thought.

With that, I shoved it away never to reappear.
I went on to college to become a kindergarten teacher. I struggled with school, and my depression. I struggled a lot.

I hit a rock bottom, and I hung out there for a bit. I barely graduated with the degree I aimed for.


It came back

You should be a counselor


Yes! Be a counselor! It’s the right choice. Do it!

I thought about it.


By giving into the thought, the thought gave me a feeling.

The, this the right choice feeling.

Thwn I ignored it a little more. I got a job, got laid off, got a short term job, then dabbled in this and that. Then I sat around.

Finally, enough was enough.

The thought and the feeling came back full force.

So I looked into it, for months.

Finally, I enrolled in a school to get my Masters in mental health counseling.

I don’t regret going to school to be a teacher. I have learned a lot. I know what I want and don’t want. I made amazing friends, and went through some experiences that needed to happen to bring me where I am. Also, I don’t think I am doing with teaching yet.

Did you know that some career counselors don’t recommend that someone makes a career decision until late adolescence or early adulthood? .


I think of you

I think of you
I think of you from time to time.
You cross my mind.
I think of you.
I hope for you
I hope you are doing well.
I hope you are safe.
I hope you are finding yourself
Bit by bit.
Figuring out who you are.
Finding your place.
I hope for you.
I hope happiness for you.
I hope you are finding what brings you happiness.
I hope you are finding happiness within.
I hope you are learning.
More and more everyday.
I hope you are living fully.
Living your dreams.
I hope for you.
I know it has been a while.
But please know,
I think of you.

Remember This

“Your best changes every day.”

Someone told me this once a few years ago.
It has stuck with me.
I remind myself of this.
I tell others this.
It is important to remember.
Some days you wake up feeling like you can take on the world.
Other days, you wake up feeling that getting out of bed is pointless.
So some days your best is kicking ass left and right.
Other days your best is just getting out of bed at some point.
Even if it is just to use the bathroom.
Humans have a tenancy to compare.
Whether we compare ourselves to a character, to other people, or even to ourselves at a previous time.
We compare.
We drag ourselves down.
We say “you can be better.”
“Why are you failing?”
“Why do you suck so much right now?”
We successfully make ourselves feel like shit because well “Quite frankly” we say looking in the mirror with disgust, “your best is far from good enough.”
But that is not true.
We change.
Every single day
We are changing.
Our bodies.
Our minds.
Our emotions.
So how can we expect ourselves to be exactly the same as that one day when were absolutely amazing and practically ruling the the world?
We can’t.
It is that simple
We change.
Circumstances change.
Everything changes.
Your best changes every day.

Remember that.

I meant to write sooner. I meant to tell you how proud I am of you, for just being you. To tell you how adorable Alex is. To tell you I love the pictures and how you seem to really enjoy being a dad. I meant to apologize for not staying in touch. I meant to tell you I miss you. I thought I learned this lesson before. Never wait to tell those you love how you feel. Now I won’t get that chance.
It breaks my heart. I am so sorry. I am so sorry you were in a dark place. I am sorry you felt alone. I am sorry you felt how you did. I have been there too. I know what it is like. I am sorry you were hurting so much. I am sorry.
You know, I hope you know you were more than just my little cousin. You were more like a little brother. We played, we fought, and we made up two minutes later. I sat through many episodes of Teletubbies with you. Blue’s Clue’s and Dora as well. We played Legos, rode bikes, and perfected tricks on your Tony Hawk video games. We had so many sleepovers. Well, mostly I just slept at your house because you would want to go home a midnight.
We had our share of arguments as family does. I tried to teach you the alphabet. You wanted nothing to do with it. I was so mad because I had put so much effort into it. One time I got mad because you started riding my tricycle that was in the garage. I was way too big for it, but it was mine! Once, when I was babysitting you, I told you to go into the bedroom and think about what you did (I honestly don’t remember what it was). I went in after making you a sandwich and you had climbed out the window! I was SO mad. Do you remember the time when we were out with my dad and you spilled my red mountain dew all over me? I was not happy.
Even through all of those times I was mad at you, I still loved you. We would play out in the snow. I showed you how to grab a chunk of ice and go down the slide on it. We threw stuffed animals at the ceiling fan to make them fly. We had contests on the sit and spin to see who could last the longest. Do you remember all of the time we spent digging for worms? We named them as well. You may have been almost 7 years younger, but we had a lot of fun. Whenever someone gave you a problem, I made sure I yelled at them and defended you. After all, that is what family is for.
You were a great kid. One time, the swing broke when I was swinging really high. I slammed to the ground pretty hard and it knocked the wind out of me. You ran over to see if I was okay. When I couldn’t answer, you ran as fast as your little legs would take you to get Oma. I could see you were scared. I tried to tell you I was okay, but I just couldn’t breathe.
That is how I feel now. I feel like I can’t breathe. I still can’t believe you are really gone. It hurts too much to think about. I remember something about you, like how you knew the words to most Blink 182 songs at a young age (I was very proud of you for that by the way). I see a picture of you in my mind, and I can’t help but cry.
I am sorry for not trying harder to stay in touch. I am sorry if I let you down. I am sorry for just leaving you. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t mean to let all of this time pass by. Sure I said hey on your birthday and the ocassional holiday, but that wasn’t enough. I am sorry. Now I won’t have the chance to tell you just how much I love you. So I will say it here. I love you Jonathon. Thank you for being an amazing little cousin/brother. Rest peacefully. You will forever be loved and missed.
I love you,


Clearly, I suck at following through with things. But hey, life happens.
Life has been busy and not at the same time. Still job hunting. Anyways.

I have a kitten now. He is cute, and a complete pain in the ass. This is what happens most nights.

“Alright, Garfield, ready for bed?”
purr, purr, purr.
I turn off the light, turn on the fan, and climb in bed.
Kitten feet run across the floor.
He races around the bed like a lunatic.
Jumps on my head.
“Garfield, get off!”
I toss him on the floor.
He runs around in lunatic fashion again.
Jumps on my head again.
I toss him on the floor again.
He knocks something over.
By this point I have started to watch a show on my phone because he is not settling down.
He runs up to my face and plops down on my chin. Then puts both front paws on the phone screen. Purring all the while.
“You are a nut.”
I move a little. He moves right back to the same spot. This goes on for a few minutes.
He then gets annoyed and jumps down on the floor again.
Eats some food, drinks some water. Jumps back up and wipes his wet face on mine.
“Thanks cat. Thanks.”
He plops back down on my face.
I put him on his blanket.
He grabs my arm and starts gnawing on it
“Garfield! Ouch!”
I push him away, he attacks his blanket.
Runs across me a few times.
Then plops down on my feet, which he proceeds to attack.
Finally, 10 minutes later.
“Goodnight, Garfield.”

Let me just add, that at some point, he wakes up and attacks me some more. Then goes back to sleep. He is crazy.

A Land of in Between

I have dreams
I can see them.
Feel them.
So vivid, so real.
I dream in color, in light, in beauty,
love, passion, happiness.
My dreams.
So far from me.
I know they could be life changing.
I know they could make a difference.
But I am I.
I am one.
I am weak to the challenges.
The obstacles large.
I cannot climb over.
Stuck between two walls.
Cannot go forward.
Cannot turn back.
So I sit.
I ponder.
I question.
Dreams in a distance.
Calling for me.
I hear them.
Sweet melodies.
I long for them.
Projected through my mind 
On a screen.
Filling the sky.
I see them.
I want them.
They are mine.
But you see?
These walls?
Also mine.
I built them.
So how?, I ask the sky, do I take them down?

I dig through my clothes, looking for the perfect shirt. the loose fitting pink one. It’s the one I NEED today. I can’t find it anywhere. I need to hurry up. I know that no other shirt will look right with these pants. They hug in all of the wrong places, and so do my shirts. I am not comfortable with my fat hanging out of my pants, or my shirt tightly hugging all of my bumps. I change my pants and grab a loose fitting shirt. I look in the mirror, not happy, but it will do.

This is probably what most people go through each morning when getting dressed.

I am tired of it. In fact, I got SO tired of it, that I decided to make a change.

I had seen a lot of friends posting on Facebook about how they were losing weight, getting fit, and eating healthy. Day in and day out, I saw their posts and I was envious of their will power, but did not feel I had enough of my own. A couple of friends and their posts caught my eye. They were drinking extremely healthy shakes and doing workouts at home. I wanted that. I looked into it and found out they were following a Beach body challenge pack program. I looked into it. a lot. I am always really skeptical about those things.
But honestly?
How can you be skeptical about 70 of the highest quality nutrients and supplements making up a shake?
How can you question other peoples progress?

You can’t.

I got really excited and wanted to do it so bad!

Then I saw the price. My heart sank.
So much more than I could afford.

So, I continued looking on in envy.

In the beginning of May, I found out I would be getting laid off from my job at the end of the month.

I started looking for another job, and continued reading their posts with envy.

Then one of my friends doing shakeology told me about the business opportunity with beach body.

Become a coach? Me?

I was so excited about the possibility. but still hesitated.

Finally, a week before getting laid off, I made a choice.

I jumped in head first, no idea WHAT I was getting into.

But I was excited!

I signed up on a Tuesday, got my stuff on that Friday, and jumped into it all on Monday!

I have been doing Shakeology and Slim in 6 for a week now and I feel great!

I have energy.
I have motivation.
I have goals!
And I have progress.

Follow me along on the journey! 

Settled in

Why do we allow ourselves to settle.
Settle for less than what we are, what we deserve.
We work hard to reach a point.
Miss it.
Then settle for where we land.
We settle in that place for a while.
Until we realize thats what we have done.
We realize that we had bigger dreams.
Bigger accomplishments in mind.
We wanted to do more.
Be more.
Better ourselves,
To better others.
Make a difference.
But now we are stuck.
How do I climb out?
How do I pick up and start once again on this journey.
One step at a time, until we can see the road we were once traveling.
It looks different, feels different.
But it is the same destination.
Some people settle.
They stay settled.
Dont see a need or have a desire to try for something more.
To go back on the road they once were.
Others remember it though.
Recall the joy and familiarity of that road.
Despite the struggles.
They want to keep going.
And so.
They decide not to settle.
Decide their lives and their dreams are worth so much more.
They owe it to themselves.
Keep traveling.
Keep going.
Do not settle for less than what you are.
For less than what you want.
For smaller dreams.
Always dream.

What we do

We wipe noses
Change pull ups
Put on shoes,
Take off shoes.
Put socks on,
Put on shoes again.
Clean up after them
Clean some more,
And more.

We work with them.
Observe them.
Watch them learn something new every day.
Spend time with them
Encourage them.
Support them.
Watch them grow.
Learn about them through their actions because they are still developing their words.
Cheer for their accomplishments.
We hold them,
Hug them,
Snuggle them.
Dry their tears.
We play with them.
We take care of them.

I may have an exhausting day at work. But it’s worth it.

Every year, that day comes again.
For a few days before and a few days after, I live through it again and again.
The whole 2 weeks or so surrounding it.
February 12th.
The day I had to say goodbye to a good friend.
The day I said goodbye to someone who was always nice to me, pushed me to try more, included me, made me feel like a person.
She was an amazing person to everyone.
No one had a bad thing to say about her.
She was real, genuine, funny.
I don’t know if she considered me a best friend, but I always considred her one.
We hung out a lot. 
Especially in elementary school.
We became friends in third grade.
She was always a part of my life after that.
Whether it was school, drama club, girl scouts, or my sister babysitting her.
I am so thankful.
She made my life better.
She made me feel like I was wanted around, even when no one else did.
I am sure her mom played a part in that.
Saw how much I looked up to Heather.
I am sure part of it was Heather as well though.
She invited me along.
We shared notes in class.
We belted out songs on the radio.
She was important.
Was, and still is, loved by everyone.

Its been 8 years.
It feels like yesterday.
The pain is still real.
The tears still come.
My heart still aches.

8 years.

We were friends for a little over 8 years.

I miss her.