Jonathon,
I meant to write sooner. I meant to tell you how proud I am of you, for just being you. To tell you how adorable Alex is. To tell you I love the pictures and how you seem to really enjoy being a dad. I meant to apologize for not staying in touch. I meant to tell you I miss you. I thought I learned this lesson before. Never wait to tell those you love how you feel. Now I won’t get that chance.
It breaks my heart. I am so sorry. I am so sorry you were in a dark place. I am sorry you felt alone. I am sorry you felt how you did. I have been there too. I know what it is like. I am sorry you were hurting so much. I am sorry.
You know, I hope you know you were more than just my little cousin. You were more like a little brother. We played, we fought, and we made up two minutes later. I sat through many episodes of Teletubbies with you. Blue’s Clue’s and Dora as well. We played Legos, rode bikes, and perfected tricks on your Tony Hawk video games. We had so many sleepovers. Well, mostly I just slept at your house because you would want to go home a midnight.
We had our share of arguments as family does. I tried to teach you the alphabet. You wanted nothing to do with it. I was so mad because I had put so much effort into it. One time I got mad because you started riding my tricycle that was in the garage. I was way too big for it, but it was mine! Once, when I was babysitting you, I told you to go into the bedroom and think about what you did (I honestly don’t remember what it was). I went in after making you a sandwich and you had climbed out the window! I was SO mad. Do you remember the time when we were out with my dad and you spilled my red mountain dew all over me? I was not happy.
Even through all of those times I was mad at you, I still loved you. We would play out in the snow. I showed you how to grab a chunk of ice and go down the slide on it. We threw stuffed animals at the ceiling fan to make them fly. We had contests on the sit and spin to see who could last the longest. Do you remember all of the time we spent digging for worms? We named them as well. You may have been almost 7 years younger, but we had a lot of fun. Whenever someone gave you a problem, I made sure I yelled at them and defended you. After all, that is what family is for.
You were a great kid. One time, the swing broke when I was swinging really high. I slammed to the ground pretty hard and it knocked the wind out of me. You ran over to see if I was okay. When I couldn’t answer, you ran as fast as your little legs would take you to get Oma. I could see you were scared. I tried to tell you I was okay, but I just couldn’t breathe.
That is how I feel now. I feel like I can’t breathe. I still can’t believe you are really gone. It hurts too much to think about. I remember something about you, like how you knew the words to most Blink 182 songs at a young age (I was very proud of you for that by the way). I see a picture of you in my mind, and I can’t help but cry.
I am sorry for not trying harder to stay in touch. I am sorry if I let you down. I am sorry for just leaving you. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t mean to let all of this time pass by. Sure I said hey on your birthday and the ocassional holiday, but that wasn’t enough. I am sorry. Now I won’t have the chance to tell you just how much I love you. So I will say it here. I love you Jonathon. Thank you for being an amazing little cousin/brother. Rest peacefully. You will forever be loved and missed.
I love you,
Kimmy

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