I don’t know how to say it, or where to begin.
I guess technically it started a long time ago… but that’s another story.
I am afraid to share it, but it is a big chunk of why I haven’t been blogging.
I am not sure I will ever be able to completely separate myself from it though.
So here it is…
The week before midterm break is a blur.
I took a lot of NyQuil, slept a lot, cried a lot… could not deal with a lot.
My anxiety was through the roof.
My mood swings were intense.
I remember walking into my room that Saturday night, I was upset, I picked up a vase, and then I heard the smash.
It shattered everywhere.
I had no intentions of throwing it.
But I did.
The next day, my anxiety was still really high.
It felt like there was a boa constrictor wrapping itself around me. I couldn’t breathe.
So I sat in the dorm lobby and watched this frame of water.
I watched the water fall for a while, blaring music in my ears.
The dean came.
The one that knows me well.
It boiled down to one thing.
She was taking me to be assessed.
I fought it.
Not because I was afraid I would have to stay there, but because I was afraid of what to tell my family.
I didn’t want to tell them.
And so it happened.
I was assessed, and for the millionth time, I was told I have recurring major depression.
I was informed that I would have to stay.
They said 3 – 4 days at the most.
I was there for 9 days.
Honestly?
It felt safe.
I was angry at first.
But I met amazing people.
So now, I am on an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety, and a mood stabilizer.
This is my life now.
Student teaching, counseling appointments, psychiatrist appointments, and medicine.
I am exhausted.
Trying to force myself to interact with people.
Trying to force myself to get things done.
It has been a month now, and they are still concerned about me.
This too shall pass.
Right?
Glimpse From A Distance 
Yes, babe. This too shall pass.
The moments that were have already passed into these moments here, where you are strong enough to gather words and arrange them on the screen and hit “publish.”
And this moment here, where you wonder if there are better moments ahead?
Hold on, because this moment will pass into better moments.
I promise.
You are worth all of the good moments that are to come.
Love to you, babe.
So much love.
Thank you for the hope. Love you.
Props for the courage to post and to keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Because this life thing is not a dash. It’s a marathon. With a lot of windy bits, and wind, and rain, and snow, and sun, and pizza. Yay for the friggin pizza! With Thanksgiving around the corner, I am thankful that you have a smart caring Dean who was there and who acted. I’ve known far too many who didn’t when it got too hard. They are putzes. Not thankful for them. At all. I am also thankful for coming to your blog today for the first time. You have a talent for writing. If it suits you or soothes you, mebbe keep at it. For some of us, it helps. And about the depression thing? Winston Churchill called it the black dog. With you, maybe it’s a duck attached to your leg. In any case, remember, one webbed foot in front of the other, one day at a time. And despite the ducks and the dickheads that dot our universe, there are heaps of good and helpful and honorable people, too. And some of them are even Republicans. Who knew? Blessings from New Zealand.
Thank you for both the support and the laughter! I am glad you found my blog. I do love writing. I just couldn’t find the words for about a month. It has felt like everything was on hold. Maybe now I can put one webbed foot in front of the other and continue writing.