I read through page after page, eager to know more.
Anxious to know if I fall into this catergory.
I thoroughly take in each word, each sentence.
Seeing myself in some of the situations.
A sinking feeling creeps over me.

This isn’t me.
It’s not.
I’m not like this, am I?

Slowly, I type the words into the search bar.

Borderline personality disorder.

Result after result come up on my phones screen.
I click on one that seems reliable enough.

I read each word.
Holding my breath, hoping that it really doesn’t fit me.

I read each characteristic and ponder it.
I think back in my behavior.

My emotonal instability.
Reckless spending.
Periods of reckless behavior.
My clingy, needy, obnoxious behavior.
Fear of people leaving my life…

It’s not me. It’s not.
I’m not manipulative.
Am I?

I consulted one of my very good friends who has seen me in some of my darker moments. She is also very honest with me.

Apparently? I can be manipulative.

I don’t mean to. I didn’t think I was.

When I am really comfortable around someone, I will show my true emotions. I don’t mean for it to come across as manipulative.

I lay on my bed thinking of moments from the past.

I hate myself for these behaviors.
For being so insecure and ridiculous.

I want to throw up.

I can’t stand looking in the mirror at myself right now.

How long have I been this way? Why didn’t anyone tell me?

I don’t have a doctor appointment until March.

I really hope they tell me I am wrong.

But something tells me, I’m not too far off.