I run the scenario through my head again and again.
A conversation that has never happened.
I am not sure I ever want it to.
With whichever ending the conversation has, I am angry.
Either at him, or myself.
I am so angry, my blood boils.
I shake.
How can I have this much anger over somone I have not seen in 18 years.
Over something that may or may not have happened.
The anger resignates within me, waiting to explode.
There is no way to dissolve it but with the truth.
A truth I am not sure I could handle.
No matter how the conversation went.
So the conversation plays again.
I try to push it away.
Try to focus on the here and now.
The fans steady humming.
Its steady flow of cool air.
The orange glow of the night light on the walls.
I need to let this go.
I need to make peace with it and send it along.
But somehow, I can’t.
A constant battle within myself to know the truth.
So it plays again…