I sat there wearing this overly large blue gown – I was shaking.
This gown, I later found out is referred to as the blue clothes.
I don’t know if I was shaking more from being cold or from anxiety.
But either way, there I was sitting at the table trying desperately to focus on something other than where I currently was.

How did I end up here! Why did I have to talk to her! Look where it got me.

I looked around. There were about 5 people sitting around on the chairs and couches watching tv.

They noticed me, but they gave me space.

I had nothing of my own on me.
Nothing familiar.
Then again, at this point, I was no longer familiar to myself.

Shit! I don’t want to be here! I don’t belong here!

I decided to go into “my” room. I didn’t have a roommate. I was thankful for that.

The room was an ice box. So incredibly cold. It was your basic room. White walls, a window. 2 beds, 2 nightstands. And an ice cold floor. I sat on the hard bed.
I picked up the yellow folder they had given me.

This will have all of the information you need. They told me.

Yea, except how do I get the fuck out of here!

I tossed the folder back down and wrapped the stiff blue blanket around me.

With that, I began to cry.

I cried for who I had become.
For who I had lost
For the dreams I was losing
The place I was in
I cried with fear, extreme depths of sadness and loss.

The tears dried up, but I still sat there.

My mind wandered.

Have you had suicidal thoughts? They asked about 10 times throughout the admittion period.

I pulled the blanket tighter around me.

I cried again.
This time? I cried because if I wasn’t there, I would have quite possibly been far worse off.

With those tears, I fell asleep.
Despite the fear and sadness, I knew I would make it through.

Somehow.

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