It wasn’t that long ago, was it?
The day I did not recognize myself anymore.
The day that I lost myself.

It was almost 9 months ago.
I didn’t feel like myself.
My friend and I were on the swings.

“I’m tired Laur. I am tired of fighting, tired of this day in and day out battle. I just want to disappear.”

I swung higher and higher. With that statement, it seemed a peace fell over me. In my mind, I made the choice.

“I’m sorry, Kim. You are making me a little nervous.”

“It’s ok! Don’t worry about it!”

I wanted to touch the sky, I continued pumping my legs.
I smiled at the blue sky.
I knew what I wanted to do.
It was freeing, exhilarating, terrifying.
But it was my plan.

I continued on my day.
Acting normal, but feeling completely empty inside.
I was hollow.
I was broken.

That night, more happened.
I broke a vase.
Not on purpose.
But I threw it across the room – into the wall as hard as I could.

The next morning, I went to the store across the street.
I went with a mission.
I picked up a bottle of Valerian root and a bottle of sleep aid.
I went through the check-out line, I was not questioned.

I walked back to the dorm and went up to my room.
Pulled out the bottles and sat them in front of me.
They were calling me.
But I was not quite ready.

As I look back on it now, I think I wanted someone to tell me, no.
But I hadn’t told anyone.
I never wanted to.

I went down to the lobby and sat for a while… if you have been keeping up with me.
You know the rest.

I didn’t tell her my plans until much later on – after I was back and doing better.
I thanked her.
Without knowing it, she said “no”.
If she hadn’t have…
Well, that is the past.
That didn’t happen.
I am onto the future.
Not always strong,
but you don’t always have to be.

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