Not getting my teaching license was a huge disappointment for me.

It was all I had wanted and worked for since 10th grade.

So many years of hard work, all for what? A degree in elementary education that shows I am capable of what?
Nothing.
Without the teaching license, it is nothing.
A mere sheet of paper showing I was again, less than enough.

I am learning to accept things though.

I have good days and bad days.

Some days I know I did the best I could.
I worked hard; I tried and did not succeed. But perhaps it was for a reason.
Perhaps there have been other plans made for me that I am unaware of.
I can hold my head high knowing that I am moving forward instead of staring into the mirror looking behind me.
My plans?
I want to get my masters in school counseling.
I feel that is the direction I am supposed to head in.
I have pushed it out of my mind for years.
But perhaps that nagging thought was pushing me in the right direction all along.
Failures help us find the truth.
So in fact they are not failures at all, but just a path that did not work out.

Of course, not all days are like this.
Some days I am furious with myself for not succeeding at the one thing I really wanted in life.
I blame myself; go over things again and again.
I find every mistake. analyze it and tell myself how stupid I was.
I stare into the mirror, angry at the person staring back.
It seems almost impossible to comprehend that I could let myself down like this.
Wasn’t that my dream?
I watched it disappear before my eyes and in my futile efforts to save it, I destroyed it instead.
I speak angrily to the person staring back. Hurtful words, hoping she will listen and know just how much she has screwed up.

Then, every now and again, my day is filled with sadness over what I have lost.
I lost a dream, and with that dream, I lost myself.
I fell apart after graduation.
I lived in a state of confusion.
Jumping back and forth between anxiety and sadness.
I couldn’t function properly.
I made some poor choices.
I tried to pretend I was ok, but there was no use.
Some days I return back to that sadness.
It envelopes me in sorrow.
A sadness I can’t escape.
I watch from the outside, unaware of what is going on around me.
I feel so alone and hopeless.

Thankfully those days are becoming more far and few between.

I remind myself to keep going.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I have a new dream.
A new goal to reach for.
A new path on which I will walk.
So I will hold my head up, knowing I did my best.
One day, maybe I will stop looking behind me.
One day, perhaps I will look forward without hesitation and a fear of not being enough.
One day, I hope to be proud of who I am and what I have overcome.

For now, I am me, and I take things one day at a time.
For now. That is more than enough.
For now, I have found peace in pieces.

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