I have a fear of scaring people away.
That if I say or do the wrong thing, I will cause them to leave.
I have had a lot of important people leave my life.
Everyone I get close to, ends up leaving.
I know it is not my fault.
But somehow I manage to convince myself that it is.
You told them too much.
You were too boring.
You are just too ridiculous.
No one wants to be around you.

Somehow I am convinced of these things.
So, a lot of the time, when I start to feel myself get too attached to someone, or rely on them too much… I push them away.
I stop talking to them as much.
When I do talk to them, I am snarky and rude.
It is my way of protecting myself. It is easier than letting them walk away – then being the hurt one.
If I hurt them first, then I am okay.
Except it never works that way.
They aren’t the hurt ones.
They don’t feel things the way I do.
They aren’t hurt in the way I am.
They just walk away.
Nothing gained, nothing lost.
They don’t build relationships in the same way I do.
I don’t choose to feel this way.
I don’t choose for things to be like this.
I have just been hurt and left alone too many times.
When someone starts to drift away, I start to lose trust in them.
If you walk away, don’t expect me to still be the same person towards you.
I won’t.
The wall is up.
Good luck knocking it down for a second time.
Good luck building the friendship again.
I have already given up.

Advertisements