I watch my sister get in the car.
The boys are in their car seats in the back.
One tear escapes, and then another.
I wipe them away, and try to will the rest from falling.
“Bye aunty!” Connor blows me a kiss.
It’s useless, the tears start to fall.
“You aren’t supposed to cry, we were here an extra week! “My sister laughs.
“I know; I can’t help it.” I wipe at my eyes with my shirt.

…I can’t help it, I really can’t
I am sensitive. I feel emotions very deeply.
My family says I am emotionally immature, but that is not it at all.
In fact I probably understand emotion more than most.
When I am happy, I am extremely happy.
When I am sad, I am deeply sad.
When I am angry, I am really angry.
I can’t even watch the news because it hits me too hard.
I can’t watch sad movies; it stays with me for days.
When someone leaves, or I leave someplace I have been for a while, I am hit with a deep sense of loss.
It takes a while for me to deal with it.
There is not much balance for me.
I hate it, I do.
I try to keep things in check, try to keep it all under control.
But it is almost impossible.
It is like telling someone not to talk.
They can hold it in for so long, but eventually words just tumble out.
I think this is why I hold things in. If I hold in the thoughts, then I am holding in the emotion as well. 
I won’t fall apart.
I hate being upset or angry in front of others.
So I fake it. I pretend everything is fine.
Then when I am by myself I let it all out.
Sometimes, I am not by myself for a while.
So it just stays and builds.
Everything builds.
I don’t understand a lot of it.
Because I don’t understand, no one else does either.
There are so many parts of me that no one will ever understand.
I wish I could explain them all. I wish I could pick them apart and make sense of them myself.
But I don’t have the words.
So this is me.
Just like the rest of the world, I have issues…

I give more hugs and kisses.
Say “I love you” some more.
Then they drive away.
I walk back in the house and go into my room.
Curl up on my bed and cry.
Sigh.

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